Helter Skelter

Currently wearing: black cardigan, tight black short-sleeved shirt, long wine skirt, black boots, huge diamond.
Currently reading: Alternating between Roman by Polanski and The Complete Book of M*A*S*H
Currently listening to: Marcy Playground (1997)
Currently forced to: Drink more water than I can handle.
Currently grateful for: My health, such as it is.

Been having a lot of trouble sleeping, certainly from this illness, and most definitely due to my current reading material.

I feel thirteen again, daylight brave, but hiding Helter Skelter deep in the magazine rack at night…trying to erase those white silhouettes from my mind, yet staring at them as soon as the sun comes up…

I’m back on a Manson kick, squeezing rare drops of new information from old and virgin sources alike; still trying to understand why. It was a coup of sorts to find Polanski’s autobio after all these years, but I can’t seem to focus. It scares me with its sense of normalcy.

To deflect my attention and ignore my fear, I’ve taken to researching that favorite dramedy of mine, M*A*S*H, which helped pull me through the illness. I’ve also found some insight from coming at Manson from another angle – irreverence. I’ll pick up The Long Hard Road Out of Hell tonight.

There are good things, too. Such as realizing in absurd delight that I’m on a 24/7 date. I am! I have what is probably the best life of any woman I know.

I get to spend every day and every night with my favorite man. I get to go out to dinner with him, make dinner for him, eat dinner he makes for me; I get to go to the movies, rent movies, go to the theater, see concerts, go to amusement parks, go swimming, go for walks, protest immoral wars with him; I get to touch, kiss, caress, cuddle, fondle, and hug this man any time I want to; I can have earth-shaking, heart-stopping, dirty, loving, passionate sex any time I wish.

And to top it all off, this guy is just as thrilled that he gets to do all of the above with me. I thrill him. He loves me. He is emotionally and physically available to me, and strives to be the best man he can be at all times, so that we can connect and communicate on the most healthy and honest levels. He is a wonder, and so am I.

Getting married is the most amazing thing I’ve ever done.

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