Online, offline – I’m pretty cranky everywhere these days. The family reunion left me feeling lost; my cat is sick and won’t let himself heal; a segment of my family is in crisis, and I’m scared.
That’s the bad stuff.
And why, why is the bad stuff so attractive?
I guess I wallow. I get lost in feeling sad, depressed, angry. Why do I refuse to see my choices? Why can’t I seem to remember that no matter the circumstance, I can choose how to react, how to cope, how to feel. I know this. I do. But, when someone suggests that my attitude is negative, that it is not healthy, I feel censored and judged. And defiant. Goddam it, I have a RIGHT to be angry/catty/pissy/unhappy! I’ve been verbally abused, sexually assaulted! Don’t I deserve some anger?!
Maybe, but don’t I deserve some peace?
As I explored with Natalie yesterday, I’m afraid of what I would be left with if I should let the ‘bad’ feelings go, and embrace hope, joy, forgiveness.
I’d be left with me.
A scary proposition some days, since I tend to forget who I am.
Who am I? What do I want? Is it okay not to know? To be 28 and sometimes feel 14…the age I was when my Dad left? To want to wear a Swatch and carry an Esprit bag, pretend it’s May 1989 and wish, oh I wish he’d never gone?
I think it’s probably okay. I think I need to accept that some hurts never go away.